I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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