You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Found the puke drawer
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
His nipple licking is glorious
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