I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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