i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
