Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
