We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
