Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
