After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
