You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
