I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize