I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
did you just send me my own nude
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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