The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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