and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
