My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
