Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
did i walk over a car last night?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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