These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
