i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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