Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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