You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
