Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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