if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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