just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
