My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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