I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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