i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
