my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just google imaged poop.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
