She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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