I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
