i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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