When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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