im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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