I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
