i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
