Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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