Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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