I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize