In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
