I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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