I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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