I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
