dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
what day is it and did you see me today?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
