You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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