I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
