Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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