All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
