Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
