It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
