You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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