So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
