you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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