i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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