Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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