dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
