You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
How naked do you want me to be?
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