lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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