If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
