Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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