I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
